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Nobel Prize to Obama for turning Lead into Gold

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Oct 26th, 2013
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Since man’s obsession with Gold alchemists have struggled with how to turn lead into gold. Stories of a mythical “Philosopher’s Stone” circulated that were capable of turning lead into Gold or silver. Since that myth man has searched endlessly for this stone as a means of instant and immense wealth. Since gold is not naturally made on this planet and only occurs when a star like our sun explodes, and is even rare then, this is no small feet by any means. Surprisingly lead and gold are three protons away from each other on the periodic table of elements, and with the removal of these 3 protons from lead and you have gold. Early alchemists tried to do it with chemicals however such a feet is not possible by chemical reaction. Modern science later found this to be a problem for physics and not chemistry. Early reports out of Russia in the 1970s found Gold forming on the inside of the nuclear reactors where the lead shield wall existed. Later in 1980 Glenn Seaborg was able to turn a small quantity of bismuth (a substance 4 protons away) into gold. Today with modern particle accelerators and colliders it is regular for substances to be transmuted in such a fashion, however the cost of actually turning lead into gold exceeds the value of gold so it has not been practical. Until now.

Mr. Obama has found the secret to the equation and it’s not a problem of science rather one for economics and politics. The first observation that leads to the ultimate secret behind this amazing feet is, people don’t really care about gold so much as the value it represents. By making people believe lead is more valuable then gold you have found the philosopher’s stone of legends. But how do you do this? Here is the process that resulted in this great achievement for mankind.

  1. First you need a society controlled by fear. Modern news has taken care of that by focusing their reporting  on the few rare negative events in the world. This took great effort on their part given that so many great happens are constantly hiding them to most people.
  2. Next you need to craft Lead into an item that people know will save them from all these negative event. Luckily all the way back to the 14th century lead had found use in this manner when it cast into a bullet.
  3. Let people grow comfortable throughout the years with this form of safety and begin to rely on it. Gun culture and action groups form such as the NRA to protect this great life saving invention.
  4. Next  start creating an Anti-gun agenda that makes people fearful of the government trying to take away their ability to protect themselves with lead. Use every negative event involve a gun to act as the reason behind these actions so people can’t see the wealth that is being created until it’s done.
  5. Take the economy to the brink of failure through bad economic decisions, pushing a government driven healthcare system and excessive government debt.
  6. Next have a rogue agency formed out of the irrational fear of terror attacks buy up vast quantities of bullets. More then the military that was meant to protect the land.
  7. Allow news of this to leak out while continuing to push anti-gun agenda.
  8. See people buy up all the bullets that are being produced and keep the shelves clear even after the government buying of bullets has subsided.
  9. Allow more news  to propagate along with people exposing the impending economic collapse and that the government is taking away rights and freedoms through NSA spying, new legislation, and any other means possible to make them “Safer”.
  10. Panic buying of lead continues driving the prices up to keep some on the shelves and now you have lead being more valuable then gold.

Surprisingly until now no one had discovered that the fear of the government, neighbors and an economic collapse could turn lead into gold. In retro spec you can see how its a simple equation especially if you take a reverse perspective:

  1. people want to be safe
  2. guns make them safe
  3. guns need to eat ammo to stay strong and keep people safe
  4. since ammo is made from lead you simply need to do one of the following to make lead more valuable then Gold
    1. increase consumption of said guns
    2. increase the stockpiling of gun food by their owners
    3. decrease availability of ammo
    4. decrease production of ammo
    5. make it outright illegal

This astute observation as to how to make lead more valuable then gold has certainly helped Obama earn his Noble Prize. The next step in this great experiment is expected to be a total collapse in the economy which then limits the availability of ammo, stops production of it, and increases consumption. At this time a simple box of .22 ammo can be transmuted into a single Gold American eagle through another economic tool known as barter. So for this great experiment and success at turning lead into gold we solute you on your achievement, the only great achievement of your administration.

[this article is satire, Obama would never get a noble prize]

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